Journal Entry 1/10/03 12:52 am

I am currently being distracted by America Online and Austin Powers. What I want to say is that I am lying because whenever I have begun anything for the past couple of the weeks I have been distracted by something/someone else. It is the most wonderful feeling I have ever felt. I have to say that I love being in like. Im not attached, yet I smile when I think of him. Pretty damn cool huh? Wish you were me? Hah, think again. For Ive been waking up in my sleep and dreaming about him.Weird, obsessive you say. I tell you, that it is simply not that easy to define. I dont know what I am currently.  Time for bed though.  I'll kiss my doll good nite.  Sad.

Journal Entry 1/11/03 1:04 am

I am currently at Florida State University.  I am sitting at my friend Rebecca's desk.  Ok so I think i might have scared a boy away. Well, I most likely did.  I am crazy.  I know. Reading this must be fun for you as well.  Wow, i had to pause a second because KIDS is on.  People having sex.  Speaking of sex, I swear to God that if I die a virgin, I will reek so much havock in heaven that God himself will do me.  Honestly, I'm not kidding. Back to the unfortunate being who is my objet of affection. What I mean to ask is. How do I know what  a boy is thinking? How do I convey what I am thinking?  I dont want a relationship, but I want more than a friend ship.  Am I allowed to want that?  I want him to visit because of obvious reason.  I want to fancy a boy who lives near me. It seems as though I am purposely self desructing my love life, by finding canidates who are the least likely towant things to work out.  I am still proud of myself, reguardless.  I am still a little confused.  I am not giving up on this boy, but maybe postponing my feelings.  Maybe ill find a new boy here in Gainesville.  God its me Shaina... are u FUCKING LISTENING!

Journal Entry 1/12/03

I am back from Tally. I have learned two things.  One, I should not go near a computer when drunk.  And two, my friends will be my friends no matter what.  Lately I have felt like something was missing.  Well, let me try to elaborate.   I am pretty content, currently, but when I hang out with all my old friends I go into "Shaina Bitch Mode" I do not fancy bitch mode.  I realized that maybe my friends will always be current in my life, but I dont want stability. I do love them tho. They were cute this weekend in a cliche Sex and the City manner.  I have to appriciate that.  I got crazy drunk for the first time ever, with them because I trust them.  I do not see myself doing it again for a little time. Because, while laughing hysterically and dancing around like a fool does have its perks, waking up in the wee hours of the morning and throwing up into a trash can some what takes a little of the fun away.  Still I am not regretfull.  I drank because I wanted to.  I had fun.  I also raved about jean jackets all night long.  Considering that I missed them.  Plus, when I have to act out a part that requires being drunk as a character objective, I can suceeded admirably.  I cried in my sleep again.  I cannot remember my dreams. 

Journal Entry 1/13/03

And I just realized that people can read this.  Good idea Shaina. Post a journal thinking people cannot get access to it.  Stupidity runs deep in the blood of college students. I auditioned for six different plays today, in one massive block audition.  I only had 2 minutes to show them that I was amazing.  Which blows, because it takes a little more than that.  I really really really, want a part in any show.  I have not been on stage in over six months, and I am literally having withdrawl.  I miss it.  I cannot believe that I want to subject myself to this criticism of my "art" for the rest of my life.  ( I sigh) As cliche as this is about to be: ( vomit now) There is nothing like the feeling of empowerment, that the stage provides.  When the audience clings to your every word, every movement, every everything.  I forget why I love it so much.  Then I remember.  Theater is life.  ( vomit again) My roommate's name is Sarah.  In case I mention her in the future.  I was excited after my weekend in Tally, so I could come back and share with her what had happened.  That is cute.  I told her all about me raving about Jackets and such.  I am amusing I suppose.  SHe makes me plump.  She feeds me.  I bought a blender and we made chocolate ice.  I have not too much to complain about presently.  Roommate good. Shaina good. Shaina spoke to a favorite person last night.  She misses him.  I have nothing philisophical to say today.  Except that it amazes me, that one person can make my day so much brighter.  The thought of one thing can make me smile. " I sleep just to dream [him]"

Journal Entry 1/16/03

"I awake to find no state of peace of mind" Coldplay  I got no call backs. ( thats correct grammar) I drowned my sorrows in an ice cream and then went to bed.  I am beinging  to loathe audtions, I will do anything for a part in any production at this moment. I walked up to that list quite confidently and when I looked this sheer look of utter dissapointment swept across my face.  I dont like being rejected.  No one does.  This was on tuesday.  The day got progressively better when I got my period and cramps took over my body like the Japanesse at Pearl Harbor. Wednesday, I went to my classes as per usual.  My scene partner has decided to not come to class as well as forget about our rehersals.  That is not going to suffice.  I found out I have a four day weekend.  I began to think a lot last night.  My roommate had her boyfriend over.  And its not that I desperately want a boyfriend, i just want someone to want me.  Does that make sense?  I really want someone to be romantic over me, because they want to be.  Not because I want them to be.  Then my mind began to turn itself in circles when I got in bed. Now, do I want, whomever, because I like them, or do I want to be with them because I like the idea of it?  And I kept thinking and thinking.  Of course I cannot just let things pan out the way they were probably predetermined to.  So my brain's all "Shaina lets go to bed" and Im all "no no not yet, I gotta figure this out." I concluded to the fact that, I do have feelings for him, because, myself, personally, takes a while to get over someone.  What I really want to know is if he does, and is just afraid of commitment ?  Which I say I understand, but I dont.  Because I have never had a serious relationship, I dont know what it entails, or involves.  Did he really think it would ruin our "friendship" or was it just that he doesnt like me, in that I wanna rip your clothes off way. The problem is half the time, I say well, he's not supposed to be right for me, and the other half of the time, I just really want to be nearer to him, to see what might haved ensued.  After a while of that, I came to the realization that, I will let him be the decider of what is to happen.  I really cant make any more effort.  He'll have to call me when I go home, and IM  me, because basically, im tired of always being "that girl"  I'm looking outside my window, and it is a beautiful day.  Maybe I should go do something.  Oh' yes and this is day one of my diet!  I am going to be Shaina Mc'Im super hott, and NYU wont be able to refuse this figure! Thank you and good nite... Well, good day. 

1/19/03

Hi, my name is Shaina and I am addicted to food.  I've started running yesterday, outside.  The two days before that I went to the gym and did the machiney things.  I had a dream where my eyeballs fell out.  Well actualy only one fell out, and I was at camp. My scene partner for Acting 2 bites.  She keeps cancelling on me.  How and I supposed to do my job if she cant do hers?  Stupid bitch.  I watched the Golden Globes tonight.  Now, I know I am a sucker for these award shows.  But I feel connected with these actors.  They all went through what I am going through, what I will go through, and what I will overcome.  I want to change the world.  I want to open doors that have been closed.  I want to do something that makes a difference.  Maybe this will be it?  Lately I have been seeing children, and getting a maternal instinct.  That is strange.  I dont want a child.  At least not now.  And when i do want one, I want 3 boys, bc a girl will pay me back for all I do to my mother. I dont want to get married, but I would really like to be someone's someone.  Do you understand what I mean? I have never been #1 on someones list.  I am never the person people call first.  I am never the best best friend, or the crush, that anyone looks forward to seeing.  I am always, there. I sometimes wish I could read minds.  I wonder if he still imagines me kissing him? Because, reguardless of whether I want him or not, I do.  I can promise to not speak of you. I can promise to try to repress you in my thoughts.  But I cannot do anything about my dreams. I mean, what can I do when I fall asleep.  Does he dream of me? Should I just go for it and ask?  Would I want to be asked that?  I think that as a youth we are all too apathetic.  We dont know what we have.  I complain every day how I have no money.  When in fact I do.  I have money.  I just dont have money to buy everything I want.  Poor are dying of hunger, and I will continue to say " im starving" when I am not.  I will say I'm cold, even though I have sweaters to keep me warm.  Im a baby and I know it.  But I want to make a difference.  I want to care more.  I want my peers to care more.  I just dont know where to begin.  I feel so selfish, that I want someone to love me, when people already love me, even if it isnt in the way I want.  Some people are born with no mothers fathers or relatives at all.  I am selfish.  We are all selfish.  I've known that for a while.  It scares me that we might go to war though, because we are made up of a nation of money hungry upper class suburban white men.  We are dominated by fools.  But if that changes, wouldnt we be dominated by something else.  And waht is the good in that, when every one doesnt have a say.  Is there such things as a real democracy ?

3/20/2003

And Im back.  It sure has been a while since ive bitched and moaned about my "pathetic little life".  But dont worry, ive returned to my ways.  America is now waging war, very noble, very superb.  I know I sleep better at night now, knowing that our country is bulling people half way across the world.  Yes sir.  Any way this is what I think.  I think that we shouldnt be allowed to go into a country and just take over reguardless of the situation.  I think that too many things have happened in the past the should show us that it is not a good idea to wage war with an insane maniac.  People say, well Saddam is like Hitler, but Saddam isnt conquering Europe or the middle east.  He is a bastard to his people but, then what did we do for Russian citizens when Good ole' Joseph was beating the shit out of his people? Nothing we just sat and relaxed and watch the war on tv.  Hitler was trying to kill everyone.... Saddam is not a good man, but war is not a good enough option.  Why violence.... why now? Are we that selfish? I think that we just might be. Its like "oh now that this is directly effecting out oil supply well make sure to invade innocent people." Yes Yes, people are going to be liberated, but what happens when Saddam is gone.  We leave, we say good bye and we offer very little help, because the threat against us is gone.   We are selfish Americans, who will only help out if it is in the interest of ourselves.  Yes, I am one lucky bitch for being able to be free, say what I want , and have my own website to do it, but honestly, Im saddened by what is happening.  Our forefathers would be turning in their graves.  WHen they said to protect ourselves from intrusion, I dont think they ever thought of the possibility of nuclear warfare.